Spare yourself no illusions that we are heroically trudging knee-deep through a steep snowy slope in the Death Zone of Everest, clinging onto our jumars with clenched teeth, breathing each breath as if it were our last… Oh no. Rather, the greater proportion of us are laying in our tents, completely bored out of our rapidly shrinking hypoxic brains for the 5th day in a row.
The days have started to run together and the ‘time warp’ that we are currently stuck in has begun to affect our mental capacities. Last night we hit a worrying climax at dinner when the ‘Condiments Challenge’ took an interesting twist.
Let me back up a bit by explaining the basic premise of this exciting gem of a gastronomic game.
In an effort to make Base Camp (and our appetites) as ‘healthy’ and ‘western’ as possible, a number of condiments have been brought over from the UK.
- Captain Kid Crunchy Peanut Butter
- HP Sauce
- Marmite
- American golden yellow mustard
- Branston small chunk pickle
- ASDA hot chili & jalapeno relish
Between these condiments a few rogue and suspect Asian ‘delights’ have snuck into the mix….
- Woh Hup Thai Chili Sauce
- Woh Hup Hot Chili Sauce
- Tong Garden seaweed & wasabi cashew nuts
- Woh Hup salted plums
The game is incredibly complicated but surprisingly, even with our hypoxia stricken brains we are able to (generally) almost get it. The objective of the game is that you have to eat whatever condiment is put in front of you with your meal. No ifs; no buts. It sounds straightforward but we have found that with the nuclear-strength heater located under the table and switched on between the hours of 6pm - 10pm, followed by an intense series of freeze-thaw cycles, strange chemical reactions do tend to occur…
Yes, I know. Sheer genius.
Given that last night was Ben’s official 31st birthday dinner, he was selected as ‘Tonights Guest on the Condiment Challenge!’. Ben’s challenge was to eat the ‘Woh Hup Salted Plums’ (which, with some extended imagination at sea level, you can imagine caused great amusement among an oxygen starved group of boys). The expiration date was quickly confirmed as within safe bounds and the gauntlet was thrown by Andrew, the games instigator. The taunting and banter began.
Ben eyed up his challenge carefully. The label did little to reveal much about the jars contents (it was written in Chinese). About 10 olive-green plums with what looked like brown liver-spots bobbed round in a very, very cloudy and suspect looking slimy green liquid.
Ben popped the seal on the lid as the boys sat around, looking on, eyes wide with curiosity and with disbelief that Ben was actually going to take on the challenge…. And with the salted plums no less!
He stuck a fork into the jar and speared an olive-green plum…. He closed his eyes and drew the fork out of the jar…. Opened his mouth…. And popped in the plum...
The table fell silent as the wind whistled outside. Andrew gasped…. Geordie turned pale… Jason grinned nervously wondering if the game had gone too far….
Ben began to chew. Slowly. His eyes narrowed and his bushy beard twitched.
He may be known as ‘The Adventurer’ but there was no hiding the sheer disgust on Ben’s face as we all silently watched him chew his salted plum. Victory. Ben opened his mouth to confirm that he challenge had been successfully completed….
There was a round of applause. Ben: 1 Salted Plum: 0
Boys are funny creatures. No sooner had Ben proven that salted plums would not bring about an instant, painful death than the boys all reached for the jar to prove their own testosterone-driven adventurous spirits. And so the evening unfolded… and so the jokes continue.
It will be interesting to see what other gastronomic surprises unfold over the coming days and what bowel wrenching side effects salted plums provide. Methinks it may be time to reassess the state of the toilets tomorrow….
 |
| Mess tent at Base Camp on an organised day... |
No comments:
Post a Comment